Chicken or the Egg?

I’ve gotten into some particularly heated conversations with my friends recently regarding this simple, but extremely important question:

Who came first – bitches or assholes?

At first this question might seem a little ridiculous.  I contend, however, that it is a fundamental question of modern society.  Why do I have this opinion?  Simple – the bitches/asshole phenomena has plagued relationships and the very survival of man since the beginning of time.

When I go out to a bar and strike out with the ladies I wonder what went wrong.  When I ask my friends, men and women alike, the response is either that I wasn’t enough of an asshole (classic female comment) or that all women are bitches (classic male comment).

Lets tackle the first issue here.  Why the hell is it a good thing to be an asshole?  I was pretty confident that ignoring a girl, being a dick to her face, or otherwise acting like I didn’t give a shit if she existed or not, were not the best ways to get a girl’s attention.  Apparently, I was wrong.

I recently read in one of my favorite blogs that women like assholes, or at least assholeish behavior, because they crave basic/rough sex and identify assholes as being able to give that to them.  The blogger, who is a women for all of you who are wondering, argued that women don’t like nice guys because they think nice guys will want to ‘make love’ to them and look into their eyes, not fuck them hard and rough.

While I find this point of view highly interesting and somewhat believable, it brings me to another issue: why the fuck women identify being an asshole with good sex.  Last time I checked, I would probably be OK with fucking a girl hard or soft depending on the situation and/or how they want it.  I’m capable of both.  I have all of the strengths of an asshole and none of the weaknesses.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention, I’m a cunnilingus expert.

Anyway, my point is that nice guys aren’t always meek pushovers.  We can dominate with the best of them given the chance.  I just don’t understand why women choose assholes.  Oh yeah, I forgot!  They’re all sado-masicists!  Perhaps if they knew that nice guys would do everything an asshole would without inflicting the eventual self-esteem damage of acting like they used you, the world would be a better place.  But then again, maybe its just me.

Now on to the main issue – who came first.  It is my firm belief that many men are assholes because of thousands or millions of years of evolution.  The asshole phenomena is a result, a response even, to the bitch phenomena.  While I’m willing to accept that every hundred or so years the roles switch, right now its definitely bitches before assholes.

Look at current society – women are used to being catered to on every level.  This is especially true in the dating scene.  Men pay for the drinks, for dinner, for the movies… While there are some women who are kind enough to share the cost, they are certainly few and far between.  Today, it has become clear that women expect certain treatment and that if they do not receive it, and even sometimes when they do, they go apeshit.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had girls over to my place, provided them with free alcohol and food, and then never received a thanks or an offer to buy me a drink later in return.  These women obviously feel like their presence is such a gift that men should pay them for just being there.  That is just fucking ridiculous.  Its this kind of diva attitude that kills the current dating scene.  You have to be rich to even contemplate picking someone up at a bar.

Sucking it up and taking the economic hit doesn’t even cut it sometimes.  I’ve seen girls chat up a guy, take the beer that he bought for her (in the attempt to keep her around for a few more minutes) and then shamelessly leave or start up a conversation with another guy.  You can’t tell me that a girl would be attracted to a guy who did that!  Its just plain nasty and manipulative.

To cut to the point – girls are bitches because they can get away with it because they have all of the power.  A girl knows if the guy is going to get lucky.  She knows that he wants it.  The guy on the other hand is more or less helpless (this is unless he is really hot shit – like Brad Pitt hot).  Furthermore, even if the guy knows that the girl is interested he can’t go all out for fear of being sued.  The girl sets all of the rules.

Guys are assholes because its just impossible to put up with that kind of shit without becoming one.  Lets just say its our way of not so subtly fighting the establishment/status quo.  It just so happens that guys started to notice that assholes actually get girls.  They somehow beat the system.  The result of this is obvious.  You know what they say – when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Final Though – power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Thoughts?

No More Beer For You

Back in Roman times, women had little authority, wealthy enough people could just buy slaves to satisfy their labor and/or pleasure needs, and life was great for the non-slave. Then things changed, and now women have rights, and some things are better, but other things are worse. Women have abused these new found rights and have flexed their power over men to criminal levels. See, women have a natural hold over men. Men want sex. All the time. Women do too, but they’re far far better at controlling it, and thus always have the upper hand with men. The future looked bleak for the decent men out there, tired of being put through the ringer by these women who now felt a sense of entitlement to jerk guys’ chains. Then, out of the darkness, rode two justice doers, sworn to uphold the creed of decency and. No more, they decreed, shall women be allowed to just fiddle around with men, sending signals so mixed that even Navajo tribesmen shake their heads, throw up their arms and say “Grutnik.” (That’s Navajo for, ‘I have no fucking idea what they’re saying. Crazy Bitches.’). No more shall women be allowed to construct elaborate mazes of camouflaged pits, fake walls, dead ends, traps, and endless hoops for men to navigate through. We are not your gerbils any more.

We begin the epic about our two heroes with a story about one night in a tavern wherein one of our fearless lads, we’ll call him R, was going about a nominally favorite pastime, quenching his thirst in a local pubrewery with another, less heroic, more cowardly cohort, T. R and T were minding their own business, feasting on their ales, when lo and behold, T spotted a waxen haired beauty near them. Naturally, it was T’s biological instinct to strike up a conversation with said lassie in the hopes of winning her favor. T sauntered over to the lady and began conversing. R was quite impressed by this act of boldness, for T was not always known for such decisive action, and furthermore had just been spurned by another crazy succubus disguised in a woman costume.

As a means to aid the flow of conversation and demonstrate a willingness to provide future endowments, T generously purchased the lady her own personal bottle of yellow amber. Like any rational being, T expected that this gesture would signal to the lady his interest in spending future time with her, during which she would be obliged to repay his act of kindness in a old-fashioned non-missionary style manner. Imagine T’s shock then when, after gaining possession of the purchased container of magic ale, the girl in question immediately turned and began soliciting another, less worthy, gentlemen next to her.

Now, T is shocked into inaction, but R, having been through five tours of duty in the war of women, is surprised at this women’s cold-heartedness, but is not caught off guard. Thinking quickly, R confronts the damsel:

R: Hey, what the fuck are you doing? He just bought you a beer.

T was shocked at the fierceness of R’s outburst, for he was not fully aware of R’s tragic battles in the past with such vixen. Growing anxious, T took R aside, and admonished him to forget the matter, that is was not worth it. R could not stand such thinking. It was exactly this attitude that has led us into this terrible state of being we all now reside in. What kind of world is it when a woman can be bought a beer and not even have to acknowledge the man who bought it for her? Folly! R would have none of it. Turning back to the girl, who had since resumed her conversation with the loser next to her, R spoke:

R: No, seriously, drink the beer with my friend or give it back.

To R’s amazement, the whore then turned to T and, in a not very hushed tone, remarked that R was being an asshole, and then, incredibly! right after this statement, turned back to the jackass next to her and started flirting again. R had never before encountered such a level of bitchiness in all his prior interactions and was thus stunned. But, relax faithless readers, never doubt good ol’ R. He recovered soon enough and when the cumguzzler foolishly took her diseased hand off the bottle, R acted, snatching the bottle from her vicinity and re-claiming it as T’s own. Syphilis-rag, upon noticing the missing beer, shot a menacing glare at R and T, but the evil stares of women were no match for the righteousness with which R found engulfed his soul. For truly, this was a victory for all mankind.

2 X-Chromosomes = Crazy

Why are all women crazy? Its quite simply, too much of a good thing – i.e. an extra x-chromosome. If guys can function perfectly fine with just 1, why the hell did God think an extra would be better? If it aint broke, don’t fix it!!! Before I begin my rant I must admit that my new found distrust/dislike of women is a recent phenomena. Before, I was in a series of good relationships that lasted 8, 12, and 18 months respectively. But then it all went to shit. My girlfriend of almost two years, who was unstable and clingy to say the least, decided that I wouldn’t mind it if she hooked up with 3 other guys during the summer. Needless to say, I was a little hurt and my confidence in the female sex shaken. But I moved on, getting shit faced and going out to bars every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night hoping to meet a girl who could restore some of that faith. What a joke! Despite what society wants you to think, finding a girl who is more interested in you than a free drink at a bar is like finding el Dorado, or a girl who is not crazy – NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE! But I stuck with it and had a few close calls. One girl I was chatting up seemed genuinely interested until she puked on the floor and ran out the door – ooops. Another was engaged in conversation until she randomly decided to walk away and hook up with another guy. Maybe she was blacked out or high, but last time I checked leaving a conversation in the middle of it is slightly rude. Fucking English bitches. Thousands of years of inbreeding not only resulted in the largest concentrated pool of ugly women, but also the largest pool of slutty, inconsiderate tarts. Oh yeah, and the girls that I cooked dinner for who never said thank you and barely acknowledged my presence when I ran into them at a bar later. Turns out that one of them is into me. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! If you like someone and they do something nice for you, isn’t the natural reaction to act appreciative? One would think so, but nooooooo that’s too logical. Instead, lets send massive amounts of mixed signals. All of us guys love getting confused to all hell. Life is supposed to be difficult, right? NO, life is not that difficult. Say what you mean and do what is consistent with that. Society has somehow taught us that men are the assholes. BULL SHIT! The greatest trick women ever played is convincing the world that men are the problem.