Why ‘Lost’ and ’24′ Suck Ass

Before I go any further I must clarify that my point is not that these two shows are not entertaining (because they are entertaining to the point of addiction), but that they suck because they are just fucking ridiculous.

I must admit that I used to be a fan of these kinds of melodramas. In fact, I still have an affinity for ‘Nip/Tuck’ and ‘Rescue Me.’ But after a few seasons of such shows, I just lost it. I don’t really even know why, but all of a sudden I turned off the TV and vowed never to watch another series that defied all logic and common sense again. I’m proud to say that I’ve stuck to my guns.

That being said, I have been forced to sit through partial episodes of ‘Lost’ and ’24′ with my friends. After only this short exposure, I’m confident enough to state that both suck ass.

‘Lost’ is just fucking ridiculous for more reasons than I can count. There is no such man-eating monster in this world as ‘Lost’ portrays. Who the fuck randomly puts a magnetic pulse machine (or whatever the device is) on a random island? People fighting to survive don’t act like the contestants on survivor. On top of these obvious flaws, the dialogue and plot development is just bad. Its almost ‘CSI: Miami’ bad. The only reason why its so popular is that it is so damn suspenseful. Corporate America has found out that good suspense trumps everything. I fear for the future.

’24′ isn’t any better. I have never seen someone kill so many people and go to so many places within such a short period of time. Oh yeah, and save the world!!! It appears as if Jack is akin to a nuclear bomb – both kill thousands in a blink of the eye. Aparently he has time travel under wraps too. Either way, its just not believable. Besides, who wants to watch a TV show about terrorism now that it is an acutal threat and is a nightly topic on the news.

For all of you ‘Lost’ and ’24′ diehards out there I understand your addiction and am aware that I have just committed a mortal sin. I just want to say that I feel bad for you because there is just so much better shit out there.

For those of you who want to break the addiction, I recommend ‘Rome’ for a fresh start.

Saturday Night Live Making a Resurgance.

Ha. Gotcha. No, seriously, it sucks.

Saturday Night Live stopped being funny a few presidential terms ago. This is not news. However, I do like to occasionally revisit things I ridicule to make sure they are still worthy of my wrath. Also, Hugh Laurie was hosting and I was curious as to what he sounds like when not being the supreme badass House.

In the interest of boredom, here’s a play by play of that episode, with each skit compared to some other event that is somewhat equally funny.

A faux paranormal activity show wherein the single gag of Hugh Laurie farting and the other three members of the crew interpreting it as a sign from beyond was replayed a dozen times. As funny as Dumb and Dumber when you’re over the age of 20 and completely sober. (Hint: not very funny).

A TV Fun House about mid term election commercials and the GOP scare tactics contained within. Almost as funny as Bush’s presidency. (Hint: pretty funny).

A 2006 World Series broadcast gag that consisted solely of the joke about a terrible rendition of the national anthem. That was it. No reaction from other cast. Nothing. As funny as a self-performed root canal without anesthetic.

Hugh Laurie as an ambassador for the Queen as her forward service to a hotel detailing her ridiculous requests. Eh. As funny as a bad Fawlty Towers gag. (Hint: Not funny).

Hardball with Chris Matthews about the midterms. Pretty much any Hardball sketch is funny, topped by the ACLU sketch back in late 2002. As funny as the French Military. (Hint: funny).

Hugh Laurie doing a Bob Dylan impressionist style protest song wherein he intentionally mumbled the message of the protest. Actually has some musical talent. As with too many SNL sketches, it consisted of one joke repeated ad nauseum for 3-4 minutes. As funny as three week old open can of spam. (Hint: unfunny but mysteriously intriguing).

Musical guest: Beck. Man, his tambourine/rattle/etc player, who looks vaguely like Dave Herman just goes nuts in the background. He alone is funnier than half of the sketches.

Weekend Update. As funny as a late run Friends episode. (Hint: not funny at all).

Fake medical thing. I don’t even know how to explain it. As funny as watching the test pattern at 3:30am while battling insomnia.

More Beck.

Late Night Movie sketch. Pretty much a longer Monty Python Holy Grail “she’s a witch” sketch. As funny as the actual Monty Python sketch would have been if they stretched it 15 minutes long. (Hint: elements of funny, but gruesomely long).

Interview sketch. Really really annoying. Consisted of Hugh Laurie and some douche going “woooooooooooooooo” after everything. As funny as taking a roto-rooter up your anus while simultaneously having your kidney removed via spork and being forced to watch re-runs of the Adam Corolla Show.

So yeah, SNL still sucks balls. Hugh Laurie has a very grandiose English accent though. That was something at least.