Why ‘Lost’ and ’24′ Suck Ass

Before I go any further I must clarify that my point is not that these two shows are not entertaining (because they are entertaining to the point of addiction), but that they suck because they are just fucking ridiculous.

I must admit that I used to be a fan of these kinds of melodramas. In fact, I still have an affinity for ‘Nip/Tuck’ and ‘Rescue Me.’ But after a few seasons of such shows, I just lost it. I don’t really even know why, but all of a sudden I turned off the TV and vowed never to watch another series that defied all logic and common sense again. I’m proud to say that I’ve stuck to my guns.

That being said, I have been forced to sit through partial episodes of ‘Lost’ and ’24′ with my friends. After only this short exposure, I’m confident enough to state that both suck ass.

‘Lost’ is just fucking ridiculous for more reasons than I can count. There is no such man-eating monster in this world as ‘Lost’ portrays. Who the fuck randomly puts a magnetic pulse machine (or whatever the device is) on a random island? People fighting to survive don’t act like the contestants on survivor. On top of these obvious flaws, the dialogue and plot development is just bad. Its almost ‘CSI: Miami’ bad. The only reason why its so popular is that it is so damn suspenseful. Corporate America has found out that good suspense trumps everything. I fear for the future.

’24′ isn’t any better. I have never seen someone kill so many people and go to so many places within such a short period of time. Oh yeah, and save the world!!! It appears as if Jack is akin to a nuclear bomb – both kill thousands in a blink of the eye. Aparently he has time travel under wraps too. Either way, its just not believable. Besides, who wants to watch a TV show about terrorism now that it is an acutal threat and is a nightly topic on the news.

For all of you ‘Lost’ and ’24′ diehards out there I understand your addiction and am aware that I have just committed a mortal sin. I just want to say that I feel bad for you because there is just so much better shit out there.

For those of you who want to break the addiction, I recommend ‘Rome’ for a fresh start.

SuperBowls Does Not a Great QB Make

Christ, people are stupid. Seriously, do you people that spout off about how many rings a QB has won actually believe that shit? Honestly, you realize that football teams have a huge number of people on them right? That any one person’s job on the field is quite limited right? Lets say you had some hypothetical perfect QB, his hypothetical offense line sucks balls and his WRs drop everything. Is that the QBs fault? No. Is that team going to win anything? No. If you had to pick one QB in their prime for your team, who would you pick: Dan Marino or Trent Dilfer? If you said Trent Dilfer than I pray to whatever gods may exist that you never procreate.

Dylan Avery, Jason Bermas: Fuckheads

Okay kiddies, listen up, this one’s important. There is no 9/11 conspiracy. Got that? Furthermore, piss heads like Avery and his “researcher” (I think the only thing he researched was how much weed he could ingest) are perfect examples of what is wrong with our education system. Nobody should believe this trite. Few people are able to think critically enough to spot all the problems with Loose Change. As Borat might say, they are bigger than the vagines of the women in Uzbekistan. If only I had a nifty summary of said errors that would make my li–

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Errors of fact: 81
Post hoc ergo prompter hoc fallacies: 92
Assumptions and conjectures not supported by evidence: 92
Photo & video images that do not support statements being made: 48
Non sequiturs: 24
Opinions expressed on technical subjects by non-experts: 22
Anonymous sources: 19
"Straw man" arguments: 10
Over generalizations: 10
Arguments to authority: 3
Similes or metaphors taken as literal statements: 12
Statements misleading because incomplete quotes used: 25

Total flubs: 426
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Oh!
…
…
wait for it
…
…
…
SNAP!!

Sure looks like Loose Change is full of crap. But hey, maybe there is something there. If only the creators had done some sort of interview, perhaps alongside actual experts in order to address thes–

Loose Change Producers vs. Popular Mechanics

Ah ye gods!

Okay, seriously now. This stuff is bad. Not because it is trying to question the government, but because it is shit research passed off as fact in a very convincing manner to most people. And that’s trouble, because then you aren’t the people digging up dirt, you’re the ones creating it. You suck.

Blister Packaging

My new SD card arrived today, naturally encased inside a blister package leading me off in a search for some razor blades. No, not to open the package, but to slit my wrists with rather than have to deal with the fearsome substance mankind has ever created outside of those electrically charged packing peanuts.

I’m pretty sure I could fashion a bullet-proof vest out of that stuff, which is great if I had a hail of 9mm bullets to withstand, but alas, all I am looking for is to OPEN MY DAMN PACKAGE!! What is wrong with using some form of casing that is open-able by bare hands or at the most simply with scissors. God help you if you try to use scissors with blister packaging. If you are lucky enough to actually penetrate the hypershield enclosing the outer portions of the plastic, you are left with edges sharp enough to cut diamonds eager to dig into your pasty exposed flesh.

I now pass on this cartoon, drawn by Tim Buckley of Ctrl+Alt+Del fame